Last July when we were discussing having another child, at no time did I ever think about the emotions I might feel as we approached the delivery date. We were so excited and blessed to be pregnant that the memories of Benjamin’s traumatic birth never crossed my mind…until about a month ago.
Driving to the Labor and Delivery for Benjamin, I was shaking and nervous. I was never this nervous with Lennon and Isla, but I guess I knew deep down that this would be a different experience even though no one else did. Labor went as planned, but the delivery was anything but beautiful and wonderful. It was TRAUMATIC, and I realized a month ago that I never dealt with these emotions since our primary concern was Benjamin’s life.
At my last appointment, our doctor asked how I had been doing and asked in leading sort of way. Apparently, my sweet husband had already talked to our doctor about my trouble preparing for the next delivery. I lost it and cried. I truly feel that everything will be fine with this delivery, but I was so afraid of going back into that room and having those same feelings that I did two years ago. When people would say, “I bet you’re ready for the baby to come” I would usually reply “yes” or “we are pretty excited,” but deep down I was thinking “Nope. I’m just fine being pregnant. Not ready for the delivery.”
Well last weekend, I started having consistent contractions and we just knew we were going to have a baby. Excited and nervous, we waited a while to make the call since we have a house full of kiddos and arranging help for Benjamin takes some planning. After a few hours, things calmed down, the contractions stopped, and I was a little disappointed. Disappointed? Yes. Does this mean that I think I’m ready and over the fear? Hopefully.
I needed a sign.
The night I was in labor, I sat up in the hospital bed unable to rest. I watched about 6 hours of VH1 (couldn’t believe they still had music videos) and listened to a song by Gotye for the first time “Somebody That I Used To Know” about 10 times. Since that night, I have either cried or have been choked up trying to hold back the feelings of that day every time the song played.
On Tuesday, I went to my exercise class. In the middle of class, a familiar song played…Gotye’s “Someone That I Used To Know,” and I sang. 🙂 No tears, no watery eyes, just singing. This time it reminded me of the blessing of Benjamin’s birth and how lucky we are to be blessed once again.
I am so glad to finally be at this point, anxious and excited. I left the gym on Tuesday, and drove to buy a new car seat, bottles, and other baby items. It was the first time since Isla that I was able to buy things like this, and since I ditched many of these items previously, and avoided buying for Rush, it was definitely time. Only five weeks left, but with Rush’s large size, we are thinking it could be sooner. We are so excited and so ready to meet out new “Little Buddy.”