Since Benjamin’s death, I have been angry. Angry at myself because for the first time, I wasn’t able to save him. I had saved him so many times, and had become so comfortable with it, that I naively thought I should be able to handle most situations. I kept running through my head what I should’ve done differently, and it had consumed me to the point to where it was hard for me to think of how happy he truly was. I had done my best to try to overcome this, but it became too much for me to deal with alone. I had never forgiven myself, and couldn’t see through the guilt to begin healing. I needed a reminder that I wasn’t alone, and that Someone had been with me through all of this, Someone who I don’t have to protect, Someone who I don’t feel like I have to be pretend to be happy for, and Someone who has always been there and will never leave. I have a wonderful husband and family, but trying to protect them while trying to deal with my own issues became over whelming. I had to completely lean on God. We have heard the old saying, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle,” but I much prefer the newer saying, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle if we lean on him.”
A week ago, for the first time since Benjamin’s death, I cried hysterically. It was a therapeutic crying and apparently a crying that I needed. After completely falling apart, I was put into a moment that I was able to freely explain exactly how I felt and how angry I was not just at myself but with God. And as bad as that sounds, I believe God is okay with that. In the middle of my confessing of how angry I was, a feeling of a weight being lifted gradually came over me. At that time the song played that has become Benjamin’s theme song, “Great Are You Lord,” and at that moment, I knew I was headed in the right direction. For over a month, I had asked for a sign from Benjamin, begging him to let me know he was okay even though I knew he was. This was my sign, and I couldn’t imagine a more perfect one. Benjamin had led me to be a better person never needing to udder a word, and he continues to guide and watch over me today.
I know I will have my bad days and this healing process will continue, but for the first time in months, when I think of Benjamin, the first thing that pops in my head is a vision of him smiling and clapping his hands while Lennon and Isla would sing and dance. I am moving past the anger and spending more time being thankful for three unbelievable years with Benjamin. I am so thankful for an understanding God who is okay with our frustration, anger, and questions, and I am so thankful for my sign from Benjamin.