Anger and Forgiveness

Since Benjamin’s death, I have been angry. Angry at myself because for the first time, I wasn’t able to save him.  I had saved him so many times, and had become so comfortable with it, that I naively thought I should be able to handle most situations.   I kept running through my head what I should’ve done differently, and it had consumed me to the point to where it was hard for me to think of how happy he truly was. I had done my best to try to overcome this, but it became too much for me to deal with alone. I had never forgiven myself, and couldn’t see through the guilt to begin healing. I needed a reminder that I wasn’t alone, and that Someone had been with me through all of this, Someone who I don’t have to protect, Someone who I don’t feel like I have to be pretend to be happy for, and Someone who has always been there and will never leave. I have a wonderful husband and family, but trying to protect them while trying to deal with my own issues became over whelming. I had to completely lean on God. We have heard the old saying, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle,” but I much prefer the newer saying, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle if we lean on him.”  

A week ago, for the first time since Benjamin’s death, I cried hysterically. It was a therapeutic crying and apparently a crying that I needed.  After completely falling apart, I was put into a moment that I was able to freely explain exactly how I felt and how angry I was not just at myself but with God. And as bad as that sounds, I believe God is okay with that. In the middle of my confessing of how angry I was, a feeling of a weight being lifted gradually came over me.  At that time the song played that has become Benjamin’s theme song, “Great Are You Lord,” and at that moment, I knew I was headed in the right direction. For over a month, I had asked for a sign from Benjamin, begging him to let me know he was okay even though I knew he was. This was my sign, and I couldn’t imagine a more perfect one. Benjamin had led me to be a better person never needing to udder a word, and he continues to guide and watch over me today.  
I know I will have my bad days and this healing process will continue, but for the first time in months, when I think of Benjamin, the first thing that pops in my head is a vision of him smiling and clapping his hands while Lennon and Isla would sing and dance. I am moving past the anger and spending more time being thankful for three unbelievable years with Benjamin.   I am so thankful for an understanding God who is okay with our frustration, anger, and questions, and I am so thankful for my sign from Benjamin.   



4 thoughts on “Anger and Forgiveness

  1. You’re blessed and smart enough to know God is in control and yes it’s okay to be angry with him. He still loves you so much Hillary. I cannot fathom what you have been through, but I know this. You are an amazing woman. “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle if we lean on him.” Love this : ). Keep the faith Hillary and give it to him. Have a big old cry as needed, its help us. Will keep you and your family in my daily prayers.
    Fellow Beatles Fan.

  2. I can’t imagine the anger & sadness that you all have & no one can unless they have lost a child. You are an amazing mother & I’m so glad Benjamin & God sent you a message just when you needed it ! Praying for you all

  3. After reading this last night I was finishing my BSF questions and this was the next verse I read from Deuteronomy 33:12 God describing the blessings for his people: for Benjamin “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long; and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders”

  4. Praise our God that He allows us to cry out with however we feel and He still loves us. My loss was a spouse thru cancer and not a child, but I too can attest to anger. In fact, I got lost in that for a while. I didn’t realize why I was always so angry. Grief has so many faces that it will fool you into believing you have gotten through with it, only to find that it confronts you once more. Don’t expect more of yourself or your family as you all make your journeys through grief. You will reach the other side; some days it won’t seem that way. But, remember, there is no one way to go there. You’ll make it. God loves you and make that your basis for survival.

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