Thank You Benny

Today, though sad you are not here with us, I want to thank you. This past weekend we attended the MTM-CNM Conference. Going this year wasn’t an easy decision only five months after you passed away, but I am so thankful we decided to go. Two years ago, the conference for us was all about what KC, you, and I needed. This year, it was all about your sisters. 

We arrived a few days before the majority did to sightsee and enjoy the city. While waiting on the hotel shuttle, I turned around to find Lennon and Isla with their heads pressed against the window happily yelling, “I see a kid with a tube!” We stopped and I allowed them to introduce themselves to the family, a family like ours two years ago with a precious one year old. The girls couldn’t have been more excited and immediately went to talk to and love on this precious little boy. While introducing ourselves, I fought back tears. Tears of excitement, tears of joy, but also tears of sadness knowing that we were the family that had most recently lost their child. I wanted you there with us. 

Two years ago, I looked around knowing that there was a chance that one of these children wouldn’t return, I just never thought it would be you. You were beautifully honored throughout the weekend, and I am so grateful for that. 

Overall I handled my self relatively well with little “waterworks.” I was just so happy to see old friends and to see how all the kiddos had grown and improved. You would have loved it. 

What made me the happiest and most proud all week was watching Lennon and Isla. The way they treat others, love others, care about others is truly amazing. You can definitely see your spirit in them and I thank you for that. Everywhere I turned, Isla had someone’s head on her shoulder, Lennon was snuggled next to someone else, playing peek a boo with the younger kiddos, or enjoying someone’s company during arts and crafts. Children with siblings with special needs are just that, “special.” I look forward to watching Lennon and Isla grow up always having and hopefully showing what you left with them. They may occasionally need a nudge from you. πŸ™‚  

I thank you for introducing me to wonderful people, beautiful families, and amazing children. I thank you for teaching me love and faith. Most importantly, I thank you for all you have taught your sisters. They cried this weekend because they missed you, then they cried when they had to leave their new friends. Only you could have taught them such compassion and love for others. 

Isla who doesn’t always express her feelings well, said “I wish we could stay here.” I asked why, and she replied, “’cause I like the shirts.” πŸ™‚  Earlier that day, one of the girls asked, “what are we going to do if the new baby needs a tube?”  I replied, “We will love her and care for her just as we did for Benjamin.”  Her response, “I hope she has one.” ☺️ Apparently, you left great memories for Lennon and Isla. 

Seeing you through Lennon and Isla can definitely make such a difficult time a little brighter. Thank you Benny.

Psalm 68:27 There is the little tribe of Benjamin, leading them… 

Filling Our Home

The past four and a half months have brought a roller coaster of emotions. We have had many ups and many, many downs, but mostly moments that can’t be described as either, and I think sometimes those can be the toughest. Those are the days you don’t want to talk or leave the comforts of your family or home.   This is when the kids, or KC, or a friend with a little nudge from Benjamin and God, has offered just what I needed to help pull me out of “the funk” as I call it, never leaving me to dwell there too long and reminding me how blessed we are to have had this journey with Benjamin. 

Everyone’s favorite question… “How are we doing?” My true feeling, “I don’t know.” I am not sure what is to be expected, or how we should be feeling. I don’t think anyone ever does. What I do know is that we continue to fill our home with love, laughter, faith, and wonderful memories, so I guess we are doing what we need to do to move forward. 

And filling our new home is exactly what we will be doing. About a month after Benjamin left us, KC and I found out we were expecting another baby. This baby, along with the other children, have been our silver linings when sometimes you feel like you are surrounded in a world with grey clouds. This week, I wasn’t surprised to hear we were expecting another girl. I felt that I knew early on what Isla and Rush would be, and about six months ago, I started having dreams of another little girl. At the time, I thought I was crazy, maybe we still are. 😜

We are so excited to welcome another member to our family and I know that this little girl, along with Lennon, Isla, and Rush, will have the most amazing and devoted guardian angel to watch over them until we are reunited again.  

Today I stared at a painting of Benjamin’s hands and feet. I am still in awe of the things that someone that tiny can accomplish in such a short period of time. It really makes you think about your own life, its direction, and what will be left when you leave… other than a ton of kids. 😊